News Bulletin: An earthquake, registering 6.2 on the Richter scale, has devastated the island country of Bentrovato.  It is estimated that 118,000 Bentrovatians have been left without shelter. 

News Bulletin:  ICRC and disaster relief agencies are urging individuals to donate clothing and non-perishable goods to aid victims of yesterday’s earthquake.  Bentrovatian authorities are working frantically to rescue civilians trapped under the rubble.  Over 2,000 fatalities have been reported from Bentrovato’s capital alone. 

News Bulletin: President Busch expressed his condolences to the nation of Bentrovato in a televised speech this morning, pledging to personally send a box of Ramen noodles and a blanket to the relief effort.  He commended the earthquake survivors on their strength in this time of distress.

News Bulletin: Authorities continue to plead for donations to aid Bentrovatian earthquake victims. Popular morning news anchor Tina Hammond gave birth to twin girls.  Their names are Nanette and Bunny. 

News Bulletin: Locals of Scranton, Pennsylvania, have begun organizing a charity relief concert for Bentrovato. Socialite Crystal Westfield was seen with her new beau in New York City last night.  She arrived at the Blue Belle Night Club just after midnight wearing a pink Roberto Cavalli mini dress.  Westfield drank shots for half an hour with her boyfriend before exiting the club, taking off her shoes, throwing them at the paparazzi, and finally passing out.  She was not wearing underwear. 

News Bulletin: The earthquake death toll is now at over 5,000.  Disaster relief agencies are condemning Americans for their lack of response. Affluent wild child Crystal Westfield is in talks with director Brett Bretterson about an upcoming Stevie Nicks biopic that would feature Westfield in the lead role. 

News Bulletin: Hollywood A-Lister Eden Duchesne has joined residents of Scranton, PA in their relief efforts.  In a highly publicized PR move, Duchesne has become the face of Play for Dough, the benefit concert for Bentrovato.  Newly released posters for the event feature a screencap from Duchesne’s latest film, Femme Fatality, which opens in theaters this Friday.  In an interview this morning, the actress stated that she is “very concerned for the welfare of natural disaster victims,” a sentiment her publicist also expressed while discreetly handing out Femme Fatality promotional buttons. 

News Bulletin: Since the announcement of the assistance of Eden Duchesne, the city of Scranton has received a deluge of celebrity contributions to its Bentrovato relief effort.  Nearly a hundred actors and actresses have donated to Play for Dough, which is scheduled to take place next week.  As per agreement, the new event posters now list the celebrities who have given money to the event.

News Bulletin: In Bentrovato, reports of massive starvation are widespread. Humanitarian Eden Duchesne has named her pet Chihuahua Ben Trovato, or Benny for short.  “You know,” said Duchesne, “for the cause.” The actress is receiving an award for her outstanding civil efforts.   

News Bulletin: Bentrovatian authorities have become alarmed as a strain of the common cold appears to be wiping out the last of the country’s population. News media have collected in the city of Scranton, PA, where event planners have prepared a red carpet for the celebrity collective expected to attend the charity event tomorrow. 

News Bulletin: Swathed in designer gowns and dripping with diamonds, the fabulous mingled before the highly anticipated Play for Dough benefit concert this morning.  Regrettably, organizers spent so much effort on their marketing strategy – complete with magazine advertisements, blimps, skywriters, and Superbowl commercials – that they neglected to book a band for the concert.  Bored, attendees took their gift baskets (valued at $1,300 each) and left, but only after having been photographed while gazing intently at posters of starving Bentrovatian children.  In effect, Play for Dough wound up losing about $132,000.  Fortunately, it has been reported that the last citizens of Bentrovato have died, so there’s really no one that needs saving anymore. When asked what she thought of Bentrovato, millionaire socialite Crystal Westfield flashed reporters, gave them the finger, and then responded that she preferred strawberry daiquiris. 

News Bulletin: It has been confirmed that Crystal Westfield will star in her own reality TV show, scheduled to air this fall on MTV.