I realized comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in my high school who failed math. And when I failed, six other guys around me failed as well.—Dat Phan

I’m sure everyone out there has heard some form of stereotypes throughout the course of their life, and let’s face it, a lot of them of them are true. However, I think we can all safely say that many of the stereotypes out there are directed towards Asians. I’ll give you a minute to turn to the kid sitting next to you and utter the best stereotype joke you can think of.  

I am here today to prove all (well most) of the stereotypes about my ancestry false. This summer, my half-Korean self and the rest of my family packed up our bags and flew half-way across the country to Korea. There, I personally witnessed first hand all of the crazy accusations that have befallen our Far East friends and how incredibly untrue they are.

Over the years, I have proudly held my stance as one of the only Asians in my group of friends. However, that position comes with consequences. In my byline, I gave you readers just a glimpse of what sort of “names” I get called. Now don’t get me wrong, I find these names funny, mainly because they are the most ridiculous things ever. SARS did not even occur in Korea. However, most people are so culturally dense that when I tell them that I’m Korean, they say “No. You’re Chinese.” Well, that’s news to me!

I seek to possibly influence even a couple people out there to quit using these stereotypes or at least think of some which make sense. Either that or I’ll give you a few laughs as you scramble to find a counterexample to my statements.

I surveyed a few of my friends to find out just what they think about Asian people, and here’s what I came across.

Asians are good at math.

How this came about: Traditionally, Asians value education above all else. In such countries as China and Japan, teachers are held in higher regard than such professionals that Americans consider distinguished like doctors or lawyers. The educational system in Asia is left-brain centered. There is very little creativity going on over there. Thus, the parents and teacher put a stronger emphasis on math and science and less on speaking and writing.

Why this is wrong: Not all Asians are good at math. Look at comedian Dat Phan. It’s just that everyone thinks he is. “Hey, he is Asian, he’s got to be good at math, let’s copy off of him!”

Verdict: False

Asians are bad drivers.

How this came about: Personally, I believe that every stereotype has been generated by how Asians adjust to life in America. The rules on the road are quite different in Asia as compared to the rules we have here in the United States. Asians in America behave overly cautiously since they have come from densely populated areas where they had less driving experience, thus tending to be less confident behind the wheel.

Why this is wrong: First, my mother is 100% Asian, and she has zero tickets and crashes to her name. Show me a statistical analysis that shows that Asians crash more often than people of other races, and I will revoke this statement. Otherwise, it is an anecdotal myth that has slowly developed over time due to many Asian immigrants being forced to adjust to laws in new countries. I’m sure if you went over to Asia and were put behind the wheel and told to drive, you would have some problems yourselves.

Verdict: True because of the different driving rules.

All Asians look alike:

How this came about: Well, to be honest with the readers out there, I will be the first one to admit that this is true. However, is it only because of American eyes that this statement is accurate. I am half-American, so the stereotype has been perpetuated in my everyday life.

Why this is wrong: When I subtly mentioned to my mother that people believe that Asians look alike, she reprimanded me for being so insensitive. Everyone has to realize that in such countries as Korea, Japan, and China, Asians can pick one another out of the crowd just as easily as we can in America. It’s not as if they are walking across the Great Wall of China, doing some calculus problems and thinking to themselves “Why can’t I find Ping-Pong (by the way, that’s NO T an actual name)? Curse Buddha for making us all look alike!” This is not how it goes at all. In fact, many Asians actually believe that all white people look alike. Next time you see two Asians next to each other (probably playing the violin right?), notice that they truly do not look alike.

Verdict: False.

All Asians are Chinese:

Go to the Eden Center and say that to the Vietnamese there. See what happens.

Verdict: False.

All Asians eat rice all day every day:

How this came about: Rice is the staple crop of Asia. It is cheap, can be easily exported, and let’s face it, it goes really well with a lot of foods. In my travels to Korea this summer, it is unbelievable how many rice fields there are throughout the country. Korea is primarily made up of pasture and countryside, so people decided to put these fields to good use and farm rice there. Also, 11 out of the top 12 exporters of rice in the world are located in southern and eastern Asia.

Why this is wrong: Asians eat rice because it is healthy and it has been in their ancestry for centuries and centuries. It is the same reason why Americans eat McDonalds food because it has been brought up as a traditional part of our diet. Not only Asians eat rice, however, I’m sure that everyone out there eats some form of rice on a weekly basis, be it in that delicious orange chicken you ordered from Chef Express, or with the teriyaki at lunch.  

Verdict: True.

All Asians are short:

Yao Ming. Enough said.

Other stereotypes that have been consistently driven into the minds of Americans over the course of many years are that Asians are good at ping pong, they all play the violin, and that they all do kung fu. However, while you may be able to go out and find three or maybe four people of Far East ancestry who fit these stereotypes, I assure you that all of these are not true. I suck at ping pong, I can’t play the violin to save my life, and if you put me into a ring to fight some American Dojo leader in kickboxing, I wouldn’t be writing for Lasso Online anymore. There are also a few “small” other stereotypes, but I won’t go into those for space sake.

So, as I reach the end of my unnecessarily long rant about Asians and the stereotypes that follow them, I anticipate that many of you will just press Control-Alt-Delete, log off from your computers, and feel no different than when you sat down. Many of you will probably make an effort to call me as many hilarious slurs as possible the next time you see me in the hallways. But if I have influenced even one person to ignore the fact that your friend has squinty eyes and move on with your lives, then I have done my job.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go eat my dinner of rice and do some hard math.

Gam-sa ham-ni-da.