Editorial
Relent, Oh gods of Vending, Relent

(March 9, 2006)

Dear Readers,

Try not to be too alarmed when we tell you that the quality of Lasso Online--nay, the very existence of this venerable publication--is in peril. We understand that this news might come as a bit of a shock to you. But imagine, please, the shock and horror that the hardworking members of Mr. Hoover’s fifth period journalism class endured when we realized that we would no longer have our usual 2:00 caffeine and sugar boost.

Yes, we are talking about the recent decision (made maliciously or unwittingly, we know not) to reprogram the vending machines to turn on an hour later than they hitherto have been, too late to be of any use to us beleaguered journalists. Bereft of our customary cherry Coca-Colas and sour skittles, your faithful Lasso Online staff members stare listlessly at our computer screens, looking at that little blinking line and trying to remember why exactly we ever felt the need to write articles in the first place.

Lest you think we exaggerate, consider the following scenario, which may or may not have actually happened (but illustrates our point nicely): It is Wednesday, 2:00 o’clock has come and gone, and the vending machines have remained stubbornly inaccessible. Our class has been pondering the nature of journalistic integrity, but without the sugar we so desperately need, the discussion is devolving fast. A point that might have begun eloquently: “And so, the journalistic establishment is irreparably harmed by practices such as--” soon degenerates into incoherent babble: “Um… wait a minute, I had a good point… no, I lost it… candy. I need….aaaarghhh.”

Then, someone spots the last of the sour skittles under Mr. Hoover’s desk and makes a desperate dive in its direction. But is too late. Mr. Hoover has spotted it first, and pops the sugary morsel into his mouth. He shrugs. Teachers need to eat too, he seems to be saying. But, nevertheless, his action causes hostility among us Lasso Online staffers, and none of us is sure we can ever forgive Mr. Hoover.

Unless: Certain of our readers are powerful, no doubt invested with the authority to reinstate the 2:00 o’clock vending machine activation time. We can only hope that the powerful souls are reading this desperate plea. For the rest of our readers: we don’t ask for your pity, we only ask that you… aarghhhhhhh.