Commentary
I Need a New Guitar!

By Eamonn Rockwell (October 6, 2005)

There are few things that can bring massive amounts of joy in this world: World Peace, curing a horrible disease like AIDS or cancer, or traveling back in time so that you can assassinate Hitler. In my case, the only thing that would bring me as much joy as those, except for the murdering Hitler one, would be getting a new guitar. Don’t get me wrong, my current guitar is nice. My second guitar (the Epiphone Flying V) has also served faithfully and pulled through in a clutch when many others would have failed. But alas, the knut of the V  is broken and fixing the neck in addition to the knut would cost too much. While you may not understand a word of what I just wrote, the general gist of it can be summed up in five words.

    I NEED A NEW GUITAR!

When I say I need a new guitar, it’s not just that I want a new one. I honestly need a new, better, cooler guitar. Some people need medication to live. I am willing to give up most of my insulin for certain guitars, but my cursed doctors say that this is a “health-risk,” even though not having a new guitar is a mental health risk, which is harder to cure.

So you, as loyal readers, (or people who just read my rants to get mad, which I do too) can understand that buying or assisting me in buying a new guitar would help everyone. I’d have a new guitar, which makes me a better musician because of the surge in practicing that people do when they get new equipment. You’d have that inner peace that happens when you give people nice things, which I have tried, and failed, to experience many times, due to the extreme amounts of evil in my system. But, most importantly, the people who hate everything I write (intellectuals, fans of certain stupid musical genres, every English teacher I’ve had as far as I can tell) will be almost as happy as me, because with all the wailing that I will be doing (or attempting), I won’t have time to write anything offensive, or anything at all for that matter. So this plan works out for everyone.

Now I must warn you: The price tags you see on these guitars often use scientific notation, but don’t be alarmed. You don’t necessarily buy the guitar for me, although a gigantic statue of you will be built in the center of town even if I have to do it myself and go blind from the beauty of the statue. All you need to do is assist, which will be more than enough (assuming you’re not one of those smart-mouthed punk kids who think that they’re the new Dave Chappelle when they give a penny or two, because apparently there’s nothing funnier than giving small amounts of money and thinking you’re so original and hilarious when you do it).

That seems to be enough of my blathering, so let me give you a list of models to choose from so that you can help with the process. They are not listed in any particular order, so don’t assume that I am listing them in preference, although some are more realistic than others, so use your best judgment, unless you’re extremely wealthy. If that is the case, shop ‘till you drop.

1. PRS Hollowbody II Private Stock #329

Magnificent. When I first saw this guitar on the website, I passed out. When I came to, I passed out again. That’s the kind of reaction that a guitar of this caliber can produce. Most people, including myself, have never seen the normal model of this guitar (which I’ll get to eventually), let alone one like this. The guitar itself is a semi-hollow made of maple on the front and back and mahogany on the sides. What separates this particular model from the normal one is that the bird inlays have 14 k gold outlines and it includes a built-in Roland synthesizer. With that built in, this guitar has endless possibilities, and can make most other guitars want to stay at home. This is a Miss Universe with the brains to back up the beauty.

Style: 9.6/10
Sound: 9.8/10
Price Range: $8,000 to $15,000.
Appreciation: 9/10
Overall: 9.7/10

2. Gibson 3 Pickup Les Paul Black Beauty with Bigsby Tremolo

This guitar is a legend, almost as much as the guitarist behind it. For our blind readers, that’s Jimmy Page. If you do not know who Jimmy Page is, then considering suicide as a possible career choice is not a bad idea. Anyway, back to the guitar. It’s a Rock monster made of one solid piece of beautiful mahogany, which weighs more than a black hole. With three humbucker pickups and a Bigsby tremolo bar, it can serve almost all your needs. I say almost, because it can’t feed or clean you even though a person with this guitar doesn’t need to be clean. The older and better shape you can find this in, the more likely I am to become your slave upon receiving this piece of art. Les Pauls are generally considered the industry standards of Rock, even though a naysayer or two will say that Fender Stratocasters and Telecasters are better and cheaper guitars. While it’s a personal preference, and it’s true that they’re cheaper, a Fender can never get the pure blast and crunch that a Les Paul can, simply because they are not built to do such things. Although this guitar will make a guitar player better without them doing anything, simply because it’s prettier than a truckload of Victoria’s Secret models. If it’s good enough to wipe out almost all competition on the planet, then it’s definitely good enough for me.

Style: 9.7/10
Sound: 9.6/10
Price Range: Depending on year and condition, $2,500-$19,000.
Appreciation: 9.9/10
Overall: 9.8/10

3. PRS Hollowbody II

This is very similar to the first model I showed, although it has less features. However, this does not stop the guitar from being any less awesome. The wood is the same, but this does not have the built in synthesizer or the gold, so it’s better to play with due to the fact that it will be less costly to break, but not a whole lot less. This is the working man (or woman’s) PRS, even though they still make more money than most people know what to do with. The semi-hollow body allows for a sort of older sound and gives you some feedback if you crank the volume up super high, which if used correctly, can blow minds in addition to ear drums.

Style: 9.6/10
Sound: 9.4/10
Price Range: $2,000-$8,500.
Appreciation: 9.5/10
Overall: 9.7/10

4. Gibson Les Paul ‘61 SG with Maestro

 

Mmm Mmm, Good! That is this guitar. Just behold it, and if you can somehow smell through computers, take a whiff. That’s the smell of pure Rock n’ Roll. This model guitar was used by non-other than Jimi Hendrix on the Dick Cavett Show in 1969. Towards the end of his career, Jimi started branching out from his usual Fender Stratocaster (which, at the time, were pretty sweet guitars) and started using a Gibson or two. This was one of them, and what a guitar it is! 2 pickups just aren’t enough, but 3 work perfectly. The whammy bar (Maestro) also makes it possible to get the high and low bending that can’t be done with a Bigsby. And unless you get it custom-made, (which is sweet, but not necessary, because I’m a humble guy) it only comes in Classic White. The pickups are ’57 humbuckers with the power of a gorilla that would make King Kong tremble, but also as soft and delicate as a baby wrapped in silk on top of a very soft cushion of some sort. There is almost no way to add to near-perfection, unless this guitar had  me strapped to it.

Style: 9.7/10.
Sound: 9.5/10.
Price Range: Depending on year and condition, $3,400-$16,000.
Appreciation: 9.6/10.
Overall: 9.6/10.

5. Fender Semi-Hollow Thinline Telecaster with Tremolo Bar

(Note: I couldn’t find a hollowbody, so this was the closest I could come up with. In addition, I personally want different pickups than these, but they were not to be found)

If you thought I wouldn’t put in a Fender, you just got proved so wrong that you’ll be severely depressed for the next week. I can’t help myself; this is a fine piece of American machinery. It’s relatively affordable and is good for almost anything you’re playing. I think I heard somewhere that Telecasters are naturally the loudest guitars due to the way they’re built, but I can’t (am actually too lazy) to confirm this. The neck, unlike the more beloved Stratocaster, is much thinner, allowing someone to play a lot faster than a person whose guitar has a giant neck. To see what a giant neck looks like, go to www.warrguitars.com and look at some of their fine products. I know of only two people who can even begin to think of playing one of those. Anyway, this guitar is an overall effective tool in the trade of playing awesome guitar, even if it lacks the style or sheer beauty that some of the other guitars have.

Style: 9.3/10.
Sound: 9.5/10.
Price Range: Depending on year and quality, $1,000-$8,000.
Appreciation: 9.8/10.
Overall: 9.4/10.

I know many people will be mad that I left out such notable guitars as the Fender Strat, the Gibson ES-335 and some other ones I can’t remember right now, I’ll have to end this because it’s taking forever and I’ll be surprised if you’ve managed to read this far, because I probably would have given up and gone off to sit in a corner and struggle to breathe. So, long story short, I need a new piece of Rock equipment, and these are a few items that can do the job. I’d ask for a giant Marshall Amp full-stack and maybe a few pedals to go with it, (a big, old Univibe or an old Tube Screamer might be nice), but that would just be greedy. You should be thinking to yourself, “Wow. How can he be thinking of himself when there are people suffering in the Gulf coast?” Well, since everyone forgot that Southeast Asia got ravaged by a Tsunami and stopped donating things even though there are still people in need, and since people didn’t bother checking exactly where their donations were going and how it was being used, I felt it was appropriate to talk about my personal needs since nobody was really thinking about the needs of others when donating. Of course, the entire area was pretty bad before the storm, but nobody donated then because it wasn’t on the news or wasn’t popular to do at the time. After all, as middle-to-upper class people, we want the poor to just disappear even though nobody will ever admit it, nor should they admit it at any time. But since this finale of my rambling monologue doesn’t have anything to do with guitars, I won’t discuss it further.