Legal Disclaimer: This article does not endorse underage drinking, which is known to cause car crashes, liver/brain damage, ugliness, and things that are filmed that people regret later. Do not ever drink. And in case you're wondering, diabetes has ravaged my body and made it impossible to consume alcohol without going into a diabetic coma, so none of this is from experience.

It has come to my attention that some student members participate regularly in drinking alcohol. Naturally, I was shocked to hear this, because I always believed that young people followed the rules all the time and agreed with my extreme upright moral values. But whenever I heard about what they were drinking on Friday/Saturday/Tuesday night, I was more upset to learn that they were drinking ordinary beer that as Peter Griffin of "Family Guy" famously said, "tastes like a warm cup of tobacco chewer's spit."

Ordinary beer? That's just lame. If you're going to engage in a somewhat dangerous practice illegally, go for the gusto. Drink classy liquor and mix drinks like a pro, because you might as well be cool and sophisticated when breaking the law instead of some moonshine-mixing hick in the middle of nowhere. All you need to do is buy some expensive liquor (gin, rum, vodka, tequila, etc. just as long as it's not some random brand that was mixed in someone's sink or bathtub) and a few other ingredients so you can pretend to be Dean Martin or James Bond for a night.

I am getting mighty sick of someone thinking they're so hardcore when they say, "Oh man, I totally got drunk this weekend at ________'s house, and it was so hardcore because I drank cheap beer." Think getting drunk on beer makes you hardcore? Idiot. In South America, people regularly drink grain alcohol, which is almost completely pure and has a proof higher than most people can count when they're sober. One shot has been known to blind or kill a strapping young man. Try drinking that and saying you're hardcore, before you drop dead to the ground of alcohol poisoning. It's about as effective as gasoline or turpentine, and no sane or crazy person would drink that stuff.

Or you could try absinthe. It's a liquor/hallucinogenic that can also give you what for, but is less of a liquor and more of just a straight drug. Although it's been banned in the United States for almost a century, it is heavily endorsed by the bohemian dork/art community and Marilyn Manson, although I don't know if those two groups endorse it for the same specific reasons. What is certain is that it makes you look a whole lot classier if you drink some sort of liquor-based beverage instead of cheap swill that can be better used to clean out any clogs in your drainage system.

Anyone reading this who actually does drink will be thinking, "Easy for him to tell people what to drink. He doesn't even know how much this stuff costs!" It doesn't matter. You're a suburban brat who doesn't have anything useful to do with your time, you might as well save up and buy the good stuff instead of drinking the usual swill every weekend. So instead of following the pack and being mediocre, be original and suave before you get so drunk that you can't feel anything and have to have liquid charcoal poured into your stomach to soak up the excessive alcohol that's about to kill you.

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