In my last rant about articles relating to literature, some of the many readers of this online newspaper threw a hissy fit about how I should read more because it's good for me and blah blah cheaper/better than movies and blah blah blah. Well, other than being alone and unloved, the numerous persons who complained failed to convince me that literature was great,
and in the act of trying to convince me have fanned my flames of hatred toward written words that I never thought I had before. Way to go, you nerds, you went from making me slightly opposed to reading to completely and utterly against reading.

Of course, there was one form of writing that I hated far more than books that I did not touch on at that time.
Well, hold on to your bookmarks, you dateless wonders, because this one might finally send you over the edge: I hate poetry.

 There. You like that? I have just spoken for the millions who are too cowardly or illiterate to say it themselves. Poetry is a useless and horrible practice, sort of like evil witchcraft, but without the spooky or fun aspects. When I see poetry, I am reminded that if there is a Hell, it surely cannot be worse than reading the mind-numbing poetry of 19th century pedophiles or bored teenage girls. The act in itself is a representation of evil things: excess dramatization, bureaucratic red
tape, red herrings and everything else that can only hurt a person. An average American male lives to be somewhere around 76.2 years. In that time a person should make a lasting positive impression on society, not fill it with useless metaphors and the endless repetition of ideas that are already well known and can be expressed in more concise ways. Is
this an admission of stupidity? Probably, but I'm too mad to care and anyone with a significant life will not care either.

 "But Eamonn," you might say, "you apparently love music, and all music is just poetry with sound." Wow. If you say something like that, you should never talk again for fear of making another random cliché that you put in your stupid AIM profile to make yourself look more poetic (or should I say, pathetic) than you actually are. That statement is not a
definite fact. There is a lot of music that is not remotely poetic, but still amazing. Besides, a large number of musical poetry is written by the exact people who should not write or play anything, let alone poetic acoustic songs. It's the equivalent of me participating in a championship water-polo match. I'm a terrible swimmer, and fairly weak physically, so why would they start me in a sport that requires lots of swimming and is extremely physically demanding? I don't know, why are bored teens who can't play music allowed to write lame, stereotypical songs about problems they don't have?

Of course, it would be ridiculous to suggest that the only people who write poetry are angst-ridden teens. Most of the poetic "masters" that we are forced to study in English classes spent their entire lives writing poems. What a waste of a potentially prosperous life. Instead of inventing something that could have revolutionized the world, Percy Shelly chose to write poems, squander large amounts of money, participate in various torrid affairs and drown at an early age. I am convinced that Edgar Allan Poe would have lived longer if he had not become a cousin-marrying drunk. Poetry may not have brought on their
various misfortunes, but it certainly did nothing to help prevent them.

Poetry is simply a path that writers take when they want to make money by doing as little work as possible. In essence, it is the lazy man's form of writing a novel. Even though I despise books, (thank you very much, astute readers), I admit that at least the authors had to spend time writing and editing their novels, a poet can write a haiku, make up any explanation they want, and run away with the money before the editor notices that there's nothing substantial in the work. If I were a more
dishonest man, poetry would be an excellent career option. The United States even rewards poets for their "work" with the title of "poet laureate."

Did anyone give Charles Manson the award for "psycho-murderer laureate" when he led his followers on a massive killing spree? No, because that would be crazy, now wouldn't it? We don't give out awards to people for doing bad things in this country. Oh wait.

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