Commentary Let’s Eliminate Hurtful Speech By Margaret Lipman (March 12, 2004)

I hear it every day, without fail:  in the lunch line, throughout the hallways, inside classrooms littered with signs proclaiming the importance of respect and tolerance.  And each time I hear it, I feel a dull, sickening pain twisting my insides.  It's one of the most terrible feelings possible.  Every day, I hear one expression being used over and over again.  No one does anything to stop it; no one probably cares enough to do so.

"Oh my God, that movie is so gay!" someone called out at lunch last week.  "Have you seen his shirt?  It's so gay," another person said yesterday in chemistry classs. "A five-page paper due in two weeks?  That's so gay," yet another person had said.  "Look at the way he runs! It's so gay!" still another declared in gym. 

Chances are, most people here at GM have used the expression "That's gay," (or one of its derivatives). Most use it regularly, without thinking.  It's an impulse, an expression.  To most people, it has a meaning similar to "That's stupid," or "That's bad." It's basically become just an expression of general dislike.  No one ever thinks about what they are
saying.  No one ever thinks about who their careless comments can affect.  And no one ever thinks that by using an expression like "That's gay," they have uttered not only a derogatory insult, but also have planted a harmful seed of hate. 

Although we live in a nation that prides itself with on its equality and freedom, our society has not fully adopted those ideals.  We pride ourselves on our tolerance of other religions, ethnicities, and cultures.  We encourage discussion and debate, as well as the freedom of speech.  However, actions always speak louder than words.  No matter how many times our society says that it is open to other values and ideas, we are still a nation in which open dislike, disgust, and sometimes even unbridled hate and antipathy run rampant.  And no matter how many times we choose to deny it and make empty gestures of acceptance, we still have, deep down inside, a fear and distrust of those who are perceived as different.  To this nation's credit, we have managed to root out much of the racism and ethnic hate that used to be so prevalent here in America.  But there is one group of people who, throughout history, have been persecuted,
ridiculed, shunned, and ostracized.  That group has been denied the respect and freedom that everyone else seems to lavish upon themselves.  And that group is homosexuals.

When the word "homosexual" happens to be brought up at school, it is usually met with giggles, smirks, and a prevailing feeling of discomfort.  Most people don't even like to say the word in a serious, non-derogatory context.  They're more comfortable rattling off a long string of obscenities than to just say a simple, little word.  That's pathetic.  Actually, it's more than pathetic, but I'd have to use some of those aforementioned obscenities to describe what I think of people who think that homosexuality is something to laugh and sneer at.  It's a lifestyle and a freedom that everyone is entitled to, the same way they are entitled to a conversely heterosexual lifestyle.  However, it’s not imperative that we all agree with each other’s personal lives.  Many people disagree with homosexuality, and they are entitled to hold that view.  But no one is entitled to disrespect someone else on the context of sexual preference.

Saying that a movie, a homework assignment, an article of clothing, or an athletic ability is gay is not a terrible crime, in and of itself, but it is certainly not helping to ease the feelings of homophobia that are so prevalent in this country, or, just as importantly, within George Mason High School itself. But let me relate another word that is being used with that same frightening repetition.

"You are such a faggot.  How could you do that?" someone said in English.  It was impossible to tell whether it was used as an insult, a joke, or a little of both.  Probably the latter, although I have heard it used in all three respects.  I asked a friend who was sitting next to me whether the conversation we had just heard bothered her.  She said no, shrugged, and gave me a funny look.  If I had asked the other students in the class the same question, they would have probably all given me a similar reply. 

Faggot.  There...I wrote it.  It's a word that is probably not likely to be heard on network television, the radio, or in newspapers.  But it's a word that is so commonly heard at GMHS.  Even in this context, the word itself is hard to look at.  It makes you fidget and feel uncomfortable and unclean.  And yet, this little word is one of the most hateful expressions that it is possible to hear, much less be labeled. 

I know just how compelling and attractive it is to join in and do what everyone else is doing and say what everyone else is saying.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but for a significant time, I was guilty of using a similarly careless and hurtful expression, the ever popular "that's retarded."  So why did I say it, despite realizing all the while that it was wrong?  I guess the real reason is that everyone else was throwing it around, and, in some twisted way, it made me feel cool to use the expression that everyone else was.  It didn't seem that anyone would ever be affected or hurt by my use of it.  That's a poor justification for having said it, though, as there really is no justification for using such an expression.  It is something I continue to feel guilty about as I sit here writing this very commentary. 

I understand how people feel when they use "that's gay" as just another negative term.  They don't think that a classmate of theirs may be struggling to accept their sexual identity, and will overhear them using a degrading and alienating expression like that.  They don't think about those terrible feelings of loneliness and fear that their simple little comment can cause.  It's not easy to imagine those emotions, but some GMHS students know them all too well. 

They understand that there is something unspeakably terrifying and sickening about being labeled.  They understand that labels seem to reduce you to something almost less than human -- someone who is so flawed and incredibly different from our 'standard' that he or she doesn't even deserve the most basic respect and courtesy. It's difficult to put that kind of feeling into words, but students who have been labeled can understand just how incredibly terrible sheer, undiluted shame and fear really feel.

Even in one of the best school systems in one of the most powerful, and supposedly egalitarian, countries in the world, we are forced to hide our identities from our peers and feel that we have to conform to the crowd instead of embracing our own individual traits, including sexual preference.  But when gay students walk down our hallways, what do they feel?  They see our walls cheerfully plastered with slogans of respect, tolerance and diversity.  But right inside those walls they feel fear and insecurity.  They face unrelenting prejudice and hear derogatory, insensitive and completely wrong stereotypes.  They see their peers denouncing and mocking their identities.  They feel that aching hollowness, that indescribable feeling of being unwanted, disrespected, and laughed at. 

And, unfortunately, most of those students feel powerless to stand up against it.  No one wants to be ridiculed or ostracized.  If someone dares speak out against the homophobia that relentlessly scourges through our school, from that moment forward, they will be treated differently.  They will never be able to re-enter that world of apathy, of safety in silence, and of following the crowd regardless of circumstances.  And they shouldn’t have to defend their lifestyle and identity, the same way African-American students shouldn’t have to defend their race, or Jewish students their religion.  But interestingly enough, why are words like ‘faggot’ used daily, but racial slurs are almost never heard?  On a general level, it has to do with our upbringing and education.  Ever since we first enter school, we are told not to disrespect each other’s religions or races.  We read books and watch movies on the subject. Television programs desperately try to include all cultures in their casts.  And yet, homosexuality is almost never discussed.  It is brought up in Health class as an afterthought, a bit of the curriculum that’s mandatory to teach.  It’s still taboo and unsettling.  And unfortunately, I think that changing the public opinion of homosexuality will be a very long and painful process. 

However, there are immediate remedies to the problem of nasty, negative comments here at GMHS.  Words like ‘faggot’ should be treated just like any other slur, and people who use them should face the same consequences.  Using the expressions like ‘that’s gay’ should be met with disapproval and reprimand from the faculty.  The responsibility of ensuring that we have a civil and courteous learning environment should not be left up to the students.  Teachers and administrators should consider adjusting their priorities.  Verbal abuse seems a much more pressing problem than monitoring chewing gum and CD players. 

It's sad that this issue has to exist.  Maybe it’s just me, but I truly can’t understand how we can put a man on the moon, create a nuclear bomb, and develop vaccines for devastating illnesses while continuing to deny so many people the basic respect and decency that they deserve.